Te Amo, Mi Amor [250-Words]

NYC Midnight Round-2: 250-Word Micro-fiction Challenge 2020
(After placing in the top  ten in my group in Round-1, I moved on to Round-2.)
Parameters:  Genre: Romantic Comedy ~ Action: Raising a Hand ~ Word: Pattern [or a form of the word] 

There was something peculiar about the way the raven-haired boy marched across campus. Propelled forward by the wind—stopping to gaze at the sky—his lips moved, chastising the clouds.

He seemed weird. I was intrigued; and that’s why I signed up for Spanish 101.

 I'd stopped the strange boy to ask why he was angry at the clouds, but he shrugged, his face reddening. Then mumbled apologetically, "No hablo inglés," and looked at me. Really looked. Straight to my soul. Feeling an electric current pass between us, we jumped in unison, dropping sack-lunches.

 Later, I began to think en español. Señora Sanchez had a way of inducing that.

 "The way to truly learn is to immerse yourselves in the language," she dramatically rolled each "r" to disguise that she was truly Jersey through and through.

 "Traducir al español," she trilled. We obliged.

 She pointed and pantomimed. We translated: escuelas, azul, beber, ventana. I sat by la ventana and lazily traced a pattern of hearts framing:

Antonio + Becca 

in the morning condensation while daydreaming and hoping the boy could decipher my backward-window-message as he marched past on his way to English as a Second Language.

 I wondered if in his class, Mr. Dickers pointed as Antonio translated: schools, blue, drink, window.

 "Earth to Becca. Care to join us? Who can conjugate love en español?" interrupted my reverie.

 I raised my hand. Someday we would meet in The Commons—Antonio and I—and I'd murmur, "Te amo, mi amor," and he'd whisper, "I love you." 

By Lisa H. Owens
1/15/2021
NYCMidnight   presents its 250-word Micro-fiction Challenge 2020
Round-2: 1,200 entries divided into 30 groups
Each group is assigned a Genre, Action and Word
Top-Five from each group will move on to the final round
Group-1: Romantic Comedy - Raising a hand - Pattern
(*Read Round-1 Challenge here: Redemption)

Dear Lisa H. Owens,
The feedback from the judges on your 2nd Round submission from the 250-word Microfiction Challenge 2020 is below.  You should be proud of rising to the challenge and we hope you find the feedback helpful.  Thank you for participating, stay safe, and we hope to see you in a future competition!
 ***
Judges' Feedback:
''Te Amo, Mi Amor'' by Lisa H. Owens   
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY:
{1943}  Oh my gosh, this was a delightful story. I thought Becca was adorable! I loved the fact that she decided to take Spanish 101 so that she could communicate with this boy. The image of her tracing hearts on the window was really cute, especially as she hoped that the boy would see it and "translate" the back to front writing. I appreciated the fact that you didn't create an "insta-love" ending, but left us with the girl daydreaming about communicating with her crush. This was a super-cute story - thanks for sharing! 
{1774}  How romantic and compelling. The pair had a connection beyond their ability to communicate with one another. Becca's effort to learn Spanish seemed genuine and heartfelt. The line about the teacher disguising her Jersey ... hilarious! 
{2021}  I like the idea of this story--Becca is taking Spanish so she can communicate effectively with a fellow student who doesn't speak English. This story is well-constructed, with beginning, middle, and end. Very good!
The opening line is arguably the most important line in any story, though second in microfiction. The purpose is to draw the reader into the story immediately and encourage them to read more. It's also important, especially in a short story, to introduce the main character. There was something peculiar about the way the raven-haired boy marched across campus. This is an effective hook because it intros both main characters and says something about the emotion of Antonio in the moment... marching--instead of the "no emotion" of walking. 

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK: 
{1943}  Your writing is very well polished and reads fluently. The only place where I stumbled was after the message on the window, with "'in the morning condensation..." The layout meant that it wasn't immediately clear that the second part of the sentence was not a new sentence, ie with the lower case 'i' in "in the morning condensation..." After I went back to reread the second part, as it didn't make sense, I realized that it was not a new sentence. As we read what we expect to see - and especially because the first letter was an 'i', your reader (like me), might miss that it was the same sentence. While I like the visual of "Antonio + Becca on its own line, maybe you could edit the second part to make it a new sentence? Or, maybe you could lay out the paragraph differently, with "Antonio + Becca" in quotation marks? I would just find a way to avoid your reader potentially stalling and having to go back to clarify the meaning of this sentence. 
{1774}  Consider revisiting Antonio's alluring weirdness. Staying mindful of word count, offer some explanation as to why he chastised the clouds. To save words, if needed, you might cut the line about Mr. Dickers. 
{2021}  One of the most effective aspects of microfiction is that often, the last sentence is surprising.    Someday we would meet in The Commons—Antonio and I—and I'd murmur, "Te amo, mi amor," and he'd whisper, "I love you."     
Nothing wrong with this sentence, but it reflects what we'd expect Becca to think or say in this moment. And is an appropriate ending for a short story. But for microfiction, the last sentence--being a surprise--is a critical element. What might she have said or done instead that would be surprising? The surprise, jarring nature of such a sentence can make the entire story more impactful.
You're an excellent writer. Read as much as possible. Keep writing!

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