["Finalist!" by lisa]
["Finalist!" by lisa]
 Round-One NYC Midnight Microfiction, 2023 Group: 91 Genre: Suspense / Thriller Action: Riding in a private jet Word: Call *** Lucy felt eight spindly legs scamper up her thigh. Lester was on the move. She wished he'd bite her and get it over with already. Her mouth was the Sahara, her fruitless call for help, a choked whisper. She longingly remembered the bottle of Prosecco left behind, as one-by-one, the bridal party leaped from the luxury of Pete's Party-Plane, it flailing above the Amazon rainforest. She wrongfully blamed Lester, her fiancé, for her predicament—dangling like a bedazzled fruit in this godforsaken banana tree, her bridal sash screaming, Bridin' Dirty, while his namesake crept across her decolletage, beady eyes gleaming. ~ Lisa H. Owens (did not move on to round-two) NYCMidnight presents its 100-word Micro-fiction Challenge 2023 Round-1: 6,00+ entries divided into 100 groups Each group is assigned a Genre, Action and Word Top-fifteen from each group will move on to Round-2 (1,770 total move on) Group-91: Suspense/Thriller - Riding in a private jet - Call *** Feedback WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY: {2063} A creative and unique concept of a moment in time, as the protagonist hangs from a tree in the rainforest. You begin the story well, hooking the reader and drawing them in to want to know more. You create several conflicts, one being the potentially dangerous spider, the other being stuck in a tree with no way of alerting someone, the third having no water, despite the hot temperatures. These all add up to a great second act. Then you raise the tension towards the climax by coming back to the spider, as it approaches her face, ready to bite. You weave backstory quite seamlessly into the present situation, so the reader will not feel like they are being spoon fed. A solid 3 act structure an open resolution that works well. {2274} It was unexpected to take the usually gleeful event of a bachelorette party and cast it in such a dark light. The bride-to-be, Lucy, seems to be in great peril with no one to save her from a horrible and possibly extended death. The narrative definitely took a dark turn and will give anyone with a fear of spiders extra anxiety. {1797} There were some interesting details in this story that piqued my interest and made me want to read more. The first sentence was a very effective hook. WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK: {2063} Your visual descriptions of hanging from the tree work very well, as you create an almost comedic, light feel, and yet the situation is deadly serious. Consider a little more sensual description as she hangs from the tree; what can she see, feel (is she hurt from the fall?) smell, taste and hear? All of these will make the story world 3 dimensional, and will make the reader empathise further as they are transported into the scene. An entertaining and unique story, with a potentially tragic ending! {2274} As the reader, I left the story feeling confused, especially about Lester. First, skydiving into the Amazon, stated as treacherous, is an unusual choice, but perhaps extreme risk and an adrenaline rush was the point. It requires some suspension of disbelief but it's possible. But then what is happening with Lester? What does she "wrongfully" blame him? Is she calling the spider "Lester" in a facetious manner? I suspect this part of the story is not coming across quite as intended and could use a revision. There's the spark of an interesting story here which could really shine with the implementation of clarifying edits. {1797} In order for thrillers to achieve a thrilling feeling, they need tension and the threat of danger or death. With the plane crash already having happened and Lucy in such a dire situation, her death already seems imminent. Because of this, readers won't feel the thrill. If there were any indication that she had a fighting chance of survival, readers would feel it.
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