["Finalist!" by lisa]
["Finalist!" by lisa]
 [NYC Midnight 250-word Microfiction 2021 results group 91] NYC Midnight Round-1: 250-Word Fiction Contest 2021 Genre: Action and/or Adventure Action: Winning a bet Word: Scrap *** George sprinted through the front door like the hounds of Baskerville were hot on his heels. He zig-zagged through the living room, hurdling a misplaced ottoman, and continued through the kitchen, scarfing down a scrap of bacon—congealing in its own grease. He pivoted then streaked down the hallway, ending up in the master bedroom. He shouted over his shoulder, “Grab my boots and leather gloves, honey,” stopping dead in his tracks at the sight of Franny lying on the bed, softly crying. “No time for tears, dear. Time’s of the essence,” he consoled her, plopping on the foot of the bed to shed his work attire: clip-on paisley tie, a plastic pocket-protector…shielding mechanical pencils, a short-sleeved button-down, spit-shined wingtips, and creased khakis. He might be a mechanical engineer, The Nerd in all its glory, but no one would call him a coward. He arose, mighty in socks and tighty-whities. He turned to Franny, “Chop-chop! Now, where’s that sumbitch?” She didn’t move a muscle. On her back with her phone resting upon her chest, her eyes twitched upward, towards the headboard. George blanched. Though he’d won many bets, this one was a real lemon. Who’d a thunk a reptile, escaped from the neighbor’s exotic mix of illegally acquired creatures, could’ve wiggled through their doggy-door? A hooded viper slithered down a bedpost, tongue flitting and yellow eyes focused on Franny’s pulsing carotid artery. George slowly knelt, his hand fumbling for the over-sized T-square with the jagged broken edge, somewhere beneath the bed. Lisa H. Owens NYCMidnight presents its 250-word Micro-fiction Challenge 2021 Round-1: 5,175 entries divided into 115 groups Each group is assigned a Genre, Action and Word Top-Ten from each group will move on to Round-2 October 16, 2021 *[update] This submission was awarded Third Honorable Mention. Did not advance to Round-Two. *** Judges' Feedback: Dear Lisa H. Owens, The feedback from the judges on your 1st Round submission from the 250-word Microfiction Challenge 2021 is below. We hope you find the feedback helpful and you are proud of the story you created for the challenge. Thank you for participating and we hope to see you in a future competition! ''Here I Come to Save the Day: Tighty-Whities to the Rescue!'' by Lisa H. Owens: WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY: {2117} The whole story is very high-energy, and moves along at an entertaining pace throughout. The protagonist's character is well-developed, and his characteristics are shown in passing, rather than having to be explained to the reader in a download of prose. The touches of nostalgic references and humor throughout the story are effective and make the story a really entertaining read. {2147} The author manages to convey the frenetic energy of the circumstances in the way in which they have paced their writing. A described "nerd" in underwear and socks trying to dispatch a threatening snake with a T-square is quite a comedic sight. {2038} I appreciated the way your description ("zig-zagged through the living room, hurdling a misplaced ottoman") gave a relatively mundane, domestic story the feel of an action-adventure. I enjoyed the description of his work attire. George is effectively heroic, tighty-whities and all. WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK: {2117} Franny, due in part to her situation, feels a bit flat. You spent so much time on the protagonist that she feels a little one-dimensional in comparison. {2147} In the following phrase, the ellipsis is not necessary: "a plastic pocket-protector…shielding mechanical pencils" It's a little confusing that George comes in asking for boots and leather gloves, (which he does not receive), but then proceeds to remove all his clothing except for socks and his tighty-whities. If he's worried about the snake being venomous, the purpose of stripping here is unknown. It doesn't seem to make sense. The set-up is curious; did she call him about the snake? She's not moving for fear of being struck in this scene. If the snake was far enough away for her to make a phone call, she could have simply left the room or thrown a bed sheet over it. If she shouted out to him and he happened to be in the house, that might make sense. But we're not sure the mechanism of how he was alerted to this predicament. It might help the story to somehow indicate how George is alerted to the situation. The T-square with the jagged broken edge, is a nerdy tool to use in this situation. It works as comedy, perhaps. But a nerd is typically a really smart person, and surely would come up with a more efficient and practical solution. "Though he'd won many bets, this one was a real lemon." It's not entirely clear what this particular bet was. {2038} The bit about the bacon seemed a bit much/unlikely. I also found it odd that Franny would be laying on the bed, with the viper right there. If she was frozen in fear, perhaps you could mention that she was "frozen on the bed," or something along those lines.
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